you taught me how to love

Remember what you said to me when you found out we could msg even when we're a sea apart? you said : hell! i would do this even though i dun like msg-ing much... and then later you told me you hate to msg... n i couldn't and wouldn't say anything abt it... i feel like throwing my phone away... it's not important anymore.... and then today... today... you told me... coming online is nth but a bother.. and you hate every minute of it... does every minute of it includes me? because i have been the one talking to you when you did come on... so does it mean that its me who's forcing you to come on? but it doesn't matter anymore... you have said it.. n i'll do as you wish....


why do you have to hold my hand? you could just leave it there... you already let it go once.. n then u wanted to take it back... what good does it do? i've been telling myself to not fall again... ever since u held my hand for the second time i can't let myself fall again... because i don't want to feel the same thing i did back then.. i've been telling myself not to cross the line.. n that i would retreat once its better... but i didn't.. i still cross the line n let myself fall.... so now its too late to turn back....  i really should have known things wouldn't last long between us... why did i let myself hold your hand... i shouldn't have done it in the first place... now its all at the same place again.. the place where u let my hand fall on its own....


do we always have to end up like that? will we.... not be able to see each other anymore? i should have realized the meaning when u said "i'll be here at least until school turns out better for you".. yea.. so now school's better and you're leaving right? i didn't ask for anything except for some of your time or maybe some care... why do u have to make me cry?

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO YOU.. APPA

I just wanted so much to wish you a happy father's day.... the appa to my son.... even though you always said that he was not your son and that it is awkward... i know you love him as a son... because you know i wanted him to be my son.... it makes me smile every time miki says that you sound like you don't like him talking to me and being so close... do you know the exact reason why i want miki to be my son? so you wont get jealous of miki.... because i only love him as a son....  but i wonder sometimes is it because i pay more attention to him thats why u said you don't want him as a son?.. i definitely hope so... but now.... its too late right?

you know the first time when we had a fight? you were searching for me and i was searching for you online? i'm doing that everyday... and when i read the msg-es... i really wanted to talk to you so badly.. but i can't... i dunno what to say... and i don't want to cry in front of the com.. i've done that so many times... and i'm afraid i will say i want you back... i don't want to know the answer to that.. i rather not know.... right now.. i don't think i can live talking to you.... like u said i'm like a time bomb... i'm going to explode any minute if there's a trigger....

it was day 2 when i went back to your journal and start reading... i'm sorrie... i'm just so sorrie i didn't take the time to look at your writings anymore.... this is seriously my fault... the only place where we connect soul to soul... i haven't been taking care of it..... and when i was reading... i felt like another part of me died... i dunno how to tell you how sorrie i am.... but you are right.. in the end.. its just words and nth more.... maybe because we only have words.... but i just wanted to tell you... ur words.. ur writings... they mean so much to me than just words.... in there... those are the things that i felt we wanted to say and are expressed in there.. those thing lets me know that you understand... you knew what i want... but i hope its not just my wishful thinking.....

i actually felt relieved that we finally let it go... but then i realised what is going to happen to us from now on.... and i wanted to cry... i just want to find some place and cry myself out.... and now i can't spend a day without thinking abt you every hour.... i can't even look at you from afar.... and i don't know how to face you and pretend that its alright... so when you know i'm alright.. you will be able to move on... am i pathetic? i just want you to be happy... but i guess if i really want you to be happy.. then i wish that we nvr met on that day....

i just want you back so badly...... i'm sorrie..... but i nvr really loved anyone else except you.... i want you back, my first love....

Its just so funny to me that i finally decided that i wanna let it out here..n all these while i didn't bother to put it all in words here is because i can show, tell you, and be able to feel.... now its all gone.. n this is the only place i get to let it all out... and somehow i feel this is the nearest place that connects me to you...

Suddenly time is just passing by so slow.. its like living in slow motion n having my soul looking at my body doing its work.. thats how it is without you.... i always make quick decisions for us n in the end of the day when i realise that it was wrong n that i regret it.. it was too late... but u always forgave me... you always know how to make things right again... but this time... no matter how much regret and how you're going to make things right.. we can't turn back...

We knew from the first day that this isn't going to be easy... but we had faith in each other, we have each other by our side... that brings us where we are now... we had gone through many ups and downs.. n each and everyone of these has made me realize something and make me cherish you even more...

I don't know why we had decided to do that in the first place.. we both know the ending to this thing we started... we knew what was going to happen and we knew what we were suppose to do... but somehow we stalled the time.. n me.. i couldn't even bring myself to say it out... there were many times when we knew just what we had to do but we kept holding back...

and when u said that.. i know it was time... i knew i had to do it... we both are stubborn when it comes to this... then i suddenly had this urge to make the decision we both avoided... i know someone had to do it.... we just have to say it and be done with it... n finally i did... i said it for the both of us.... n i didn't cry... for the first time ever when we wanted to end it i didn't... i felt like i lifted something off my shoulders...

and then... i felt it.. the pain, the regret... i just wish i could forget... or either erase the memories we had... time is moving too slow for my liking... its either stopping or wanting to turn back time.... n i want to erase that period of time... because now i can't seem to move on... its funny when we know we wont turn back... but i'm looking at you walk in front... further n further away... n i'm standing here.... i want to stand here and tell myself there's a chance you would turn around and take me with you....

and still.... i never get to hear what i wish you would tell me.. just once... i only need to hear it once... u know like those typical dramas where they ask their partner if they ever loved them... i wanna ask you.... but i didn't... i don't know if its because i want to believe that u do or because i kinda know that u do... but somehow.. somewhere really deep down... i know u do... u always do.. and when i read ur stories..... i can confirm its true....

when ppl say a part of their heart breaks because of the other half.... i always imagine how it would be... now i know.... my heart didn't break... it left with you.... can't even feel the pain anymore.... n they say you'll never know how it really feels until it happens... so now here i am telling you how painful it is... its tearing me up slowly.... and "when u walk away i count the steps that you take"

and i wonder how are u doing without me?  you taught me how to love but u didn't teach me how to hate n forget....  i  love you and i miss you so much... i couldn't say it even when we say goodbye... because i know.. u will never reply to that.... n for that , i will always wait....

well i decided to post an entry today... well i've nvr thought of writing a journal.. i'm lazy to manage it n i tend to write crazy meaningless stuffs... but i dunno which nerve in my brain says that i should post.. it's kinda crazy actually..... n i wanted my first post to be nuts.. (i haven't thought of what to write yet actually)




what do i do when u don't need me by your side?
cut myself.. stupid, absurd and crazy...
but i don't feel the pain when u said you don't need me
i only feel it when i cut myself
yea i pretended everything was alright in front of u
do i have to show u pictures to understand me?
i kept what i truly felt away from you
but what am i supposed to do when the world is against u?
i will kill myself if i ever turn my back on u
so the only way is to keep u away from  my feelings
but i'm a bitch so i'll make sure u know it in one way or another
u will get it indirectly n i get satisfaction from knowing that u understand what i'm trying to say
n it burdens u more when my first intention was to keep it to myself
do u know how much fun a person gets when they cut themself?
its comforting to see yourself hurting ur own flesh do u know that?
well u have to be crazy to think that way
we promised to do this together... i do believe n have faith in us..
but u should know i'm weak n i need assurance... i need you!!



this is just a crazy thing that came from my brain... so don't believe!! well i'm out of my mind n senseless.... its 1 in the morning what do u expect?